Condom Sense superstore to move in to old Albertson’s on Main Street

Condom Sense has announced it will debut an experimental “super store” in Lewisville in the old Albertson’s on the 1000 block of Main Street, right across from Lewisville High School Main Campus. The city has agreed to provide as much as $69,000 in economic development incentives.

The new store will be unlike any other Condom Sense establishment. Where they normally stick to the basics — condoms, lubricant, novelty gifts, educational material and other items vital for sexual health, the Condom Sense superstore will use the additional room of what used to be a big box grocery store to expand its catalogue.

Fleshlights, over-the-counter erectile dysfunction medication, all manner of harnesses and bondage furniture, knot-tying instruction manuals, shaving equipment, home video recording equipment, introductory feminist theory, gay agenda pamphlets, secondary cell phones designed exclusively to run the Ashley Madison App, late-term abortion pills and Nickelback albums are all planned to be in stock according to Condom Sense CEO Harry A. Soul.

Soul said Condom Sense has been developing the idea since the Albertson’s closure, which provided the company an ideal location. It’s right across the street from a school full of impressionable young children and in the heart of a city that has made its initial store on Round Grove Road one of the top sellers in the nation.

While department stores are folding as a business model, Soul says big boxes just need something bigger to fill them.

“There was a lot of hoo-ha about us coming to Lewisville in 2016, but it turns out a good chunk of you are real freaks,” Soul said. “Think of the new store as sort of a Sex Toys R Us, if you will.”

Also planned for the superstore are four multipurpose rooms that can be used for classrooms or parties. The store will offer weekly seminars and regular classes on topics such as “Kama Sutra for dummies,” or “Pole dancing for fun and profit.”

The business will have a sign indicating no one under 18 will be allowed entry.

“Seriously? You think we’re going to enforce that?” Soul scoffed. “Come on.”

As for the economic development agreement, City Council member TJ Gilmore said the city was just glad to find someone to take the space.

“It’s not like we can bring in another grocery store,” he said, referring to Albertsons’ non-compete policy with its real estate holdings.

The store is expected to open mid-May with a grand opening celebration. The first 1,000 customers will get free condoms and other prizes.

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